For the past 5 or 6 years, food has been my constant companion and also my nemesis. It's been my only comfort, and yet my biggest source of frustration and sadness. I need this to end so I can get on with my life. This is my final attempt. To be perfectly honest, I'm doing what I've always done to try to stop myself. Eat myself into oblivion until 12:00 a.m. Sunday morning and then start with a clean slate. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. When it does work, it only works until about Friday night if I'm really really lucky. Sometimes I cave in by the middle of the week. The ultimate goal is to eat as little as I can and exercise myself sick. I refer to this as being "clean." When I'm clean I'm on top of the world. It doesn't matter that I'm overweight because I'm on my way back to being perfect. It's a very euphoric experience. But when I'm in my darkest stage, it's worse than a nightmare. It's truly the most depressing, lonely experience I've ever had. And it keeps happening and it keeps getting worse. My goal this time is to eat 500 calories each day and at least run 10 miles a day for exercise. I know this is extreme but if it isn't extreme it doesn't stand a chance for working. I need a new beginning. I need for this phase of my life to be over.

I'm 20 years old and my life is insane. I'm addicted to food and I want so badly to be skinny again. I was anorexic in high school and I miss it so much. I know that sounds crazy but it's the truth. I've never had a real solid relationship with a guy and I'm scared I never will. Right now I just don't feel worthy of love.
That's a short background. I'll post more here and there as this blog goes on. My goal is to post every day, for my own sake. I don't know if anyone reads these really. I kind of hope nobody does. I just need a place to vent and sort through my own feelings.